apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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