Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
