Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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