Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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