My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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