If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
