Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
