i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
