My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
