shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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