I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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