just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
