i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my being single is dangerous.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
