if only i could text you this smell
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
