Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
