I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
