just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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