so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
