She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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