Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
