a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
