i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
