Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
