So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
