your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
