he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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