his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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