when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
