Cold hands, warm shart.
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
