I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
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