she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
