so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
