Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
