That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
