I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
