Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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