i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
