He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
