Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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