I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
