Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
