The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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