The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
