Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
