Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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