Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
