Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
