you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
