I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
