I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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